::breakTHRU::

Goodbye, easier said than done

2007-07-29T23:09:00.001-07:00

I have no idea how to say goodbye. I know its a compound word, that has been around in every language since the beginning of time, yet I have no idea how to communicate this idea. In the past, I pull away from everyone. Fights that would never occur otherwise, would tear friendships/relationships apart. I don't want to do that. I hope that doesn't always happen.
Will I ever see these people again? It's hard to say. This chapter doesn't feel like its over. Maybe chapters can be revisited? Maybe, this was only an interlude. Whatever the case maybe, how do you say goodbye?

Farther along we'll know all about it

2007-07-16T07:48:00.000-07:00

No one is beyond their past.

No one can escape memories which has been fully rooted in the past.

Today, I reverted. I went back to my old way of approaching an idea. I debated it. Debate has nothing intrinsically wrong with it. Many use this as a tool for good. In fact, part of my learning style is to put somethings against the stark opposite. However, this is only good in certain context.

If you were raised like I was, this is an acceptable practice. Everyone knows the rules and tries not to take things too personally. However, most people were not raised like this.

Contextual analysis seems to be a point that needs further observation in life. While something is appropriate in one setting, it might be the antithesis at other points.

How are you able to tell?

logically

2007-07-13T00:43:00.001-07:00

Change is the only constant.
Some changes are better.
All constants are better.

This would be an invalid syllogism. Logically, not all changes are constant. Since only some changes are better; this does not necessitate that the constant is better. It COULD be, but it also might NOT be.

Logic sucks.

This is because logic most purest form is a completely abstract concept. Abstract concepts can only exist in the philosophical realm. The concepts cannot enter into the physical realm without putting on the heavy concrete clothes which adds or possibly removes aspects from the original concept. Thus, logic can not exist in the physical realm.
Unfortunately, while the above syllogism is invalid logically; it is reality. Not saying that every that is constant is a better alternative, but everything that is constant is something which is better than nothing. Even if the nothing, seemed better than the something. However, bad you wanted the nothing to be something; sometimes it turns out to be nothing but at the same time something.

P.S. I've missed posting... but not all posting is missing... ergo I equals missing?

forgive and forget

2007-04-29T22:48:00.000-07:00

I don't want to forgive. It's not natural. Why must we incessantly continue to portray these qualities that aren't human. I know love is a great thing, but forgiveness is too great a task. Does God not realize what I endured?
Those thoughts go through my mind so often. Humans have this mentality that believes we are truly entitled for something. We have this overestimated sense of self that tells our worth to the world around us.
In actuality, there's not much we can do. A few years from now, we will be rotted corpses returned to the dust that we began from. We are entitled only to our death.
Forgiveness is sadly one of those few things that goes beyond what we want to believe we can do. But it is one of the few life giving things that we have. Think about it: when you do not forgive, it hurts you. It toils within you. Grows killing relationships. Killing your feelings. You don't win.
Maybe then forgiveness should be considered "unnatural" because unlike every other "natural" thing it promotes the one thing we don't deserve. True life...

Pain just another 4 letter word

2007-04-05T00:06:00.000-07:00

Cliches. Why, oh why do you exist? When we struggle with issues that we cannot describe, we feel powerless if we cannot express ourselves. Must the alternative to powerlessness be empty words? When you experience loss, nothing can replace that hole. No words, no cards: nothing can fix what now does not exist inside you. You have a hole.
Some suggest that God creates true healing for these by filling the hole with a divine goodness that only One can do. The filling renders the heart qualitatively better than the original state because "Jesus took my burdens all away." Philosophically, this is possible. It is highly rational. However, it is only true for those who never experience it.
Wounds leave scars. Some wounds never fully heal. Our hearts are the same. Perhaps, in our current state, we will always carry the pain of loss. It is a reality that is fully present in our existence. In fact, loss is so much of the human experience that if one did not feel the repercussions of loss, then that one would not be human any longer. We must live with the pain, journey through it, experience, relive it. One may suggest that they can leave it or fully heal, but at best they simply ignore it for a while, denying the cancer that rots them from the inside. To be fully human means to live with our pain. Only in doing so, can we experience true life. And even true joy...

That's who I am.

2007-03-25T22:11:00.000-07:00

"She's such a bitch, but yet I'm strangely attracted to her." Some people enter life recognizing their divine right to authority and power. Others recognize their subservient status to their Superior. This happens in schools, jobs especially in religion.

People innately subscribe to, while not always conscientiously, a social hierarchy that guides social behavior. Humanity's social hierarchy can be broken down into two categories on the basis of perceived concept. The clichéd haves and have-nots denote distinct differences in self-concept levels.

The perceived haves' attain preferable status because in those people there is a perceived sense of differentiation (the quality of being complete without regards to other stimuli) that draws others to them. Most people recognize a deficiency in their existence so they seek out those who portray no such problem. The haves' typically have confidence which allows them to continue during an otherwise problematic task.

The perceived have-nots' are lowered because they require the assistance of others to fulfill themselves. They see the haves' and desire the haves' confidence. To attain this, they will do whatever is necessary to stay the the presence of the haves even if this means humiliation on the have-nots' part.

From a fundamentalist standpoint, a person ought to be the perceived differentiated individual. This person does not need anyone, yet they only "rely on Jesus" resulting in a possible completion. This often leads to arrogance. From a more contemporary standpoint, a person ought to be the have-not. This person recognizes their own brokenness and constantly seeks the community for support. This often leads to the cheap grace mentality which Bonhoeffer spoke about.

Can there be a fusion between the two? A follower of Christ should recognize that they need community and the person of Christ to reach out to the world, but are capable of so much more. Can we be the haves' and the have-nots' simultaneously? We must hold those in tension because in either extreme the gospel is lost.

Where were you when the world stopped turning?

2007-03-08T20:25:00.001-08:00

I label things.
I hate to admit it but I do. My computer's desktop has one object on it, the recycle bin (and only that because I cannot make it disappear!) Notes from class, assignments, even appointments in outlook all belong in their particular folder and sub-folder. Everything is alphabetized. It has it's place. Everything works well until in my haste of exiting class; I put something in the wrong sub-folder. It becomes lost in the abyss.
Often labels became attached to a reality. Therefore, we love the label. We cling to the label. The labels help everything make sense. Categories become codependent forms of life. We need them.

It's funny about labels, names and categories. They only work when the system works. When the system malfunctions, labels don't mean a thing. When your worldview is destroyed, the labels that you used to describe the old world only confuse the new world. When your label is broken, where do you find ways to evaluate the world around you? When what you once called good, really isn't holistically good, what becomes of it?

What does this mean for daily living, theology, philosophy, relationships even sports? What happens when the world can't be explained? What do you call that?

Every step you take...

2007-03-05T22:15:00.000-08:00

"Just one more mile, ouch."
"Come on, one foot in front of the other."
"A little farther."

These phrases glimmered in the painful mask in my mind for several hours yesterday. My first marathon attempt: 26.2 grueling miles in the Los Angeles heatwave winter. All went well until mile six when a twinge reminded me that I had not healed fully yet from plantar fasciitis. Not to be distracted by a small amount of pain, I continued until mile ten where a similar eruption in pain occurred in the right foot. I plowed through 8 more miles until my collapse. I couldn't will the pain to stop. I couldn't control it.

Humanity tries so hard to control everything. We cultivate the land to control our food. We set up hospitals to control sickness. Even time which by its very nature cannot be stopped, we tame it by creating finite measurements for it. We have to be in control. We run marathons on feet that cannot handle the pressure because in our arrogance we must be free from all constraints.

However, it is that same arrogance which keeps us from remembering the poverty of our situation. We cannot make it on our own. We are "earthen vessels." We are "facing the dark walls, never to see beyond our faces" (Plato, The Republic). Something must transcend humanity to heal it. Thus, it is in our poverty, that God is exalted. A good message for the Lenten season.